The Art of Living for an Audience of One.
Sometimes journeys end the wrong way. People make mistakes, failures happen, disappointments arise and we move on, and His song in the night becomes our strength, because we have to cling to the Truth; the truth of who He is in the longest night. Sometimes everything is going our way, -for the moment , most people are pleased, we can see the stars in the sky at night and feel the warmth of the chinook melting our problems away… but then the weather is just like feelings- so fickle sometimes…
A tear can be an unhealed wound, the depth of love, or a touch from the Holy Spirit and who are we to be able to know which when. This week has been one of self discovery for me. I often spend time helping others heal deep wounds from trauma, - recognizing the lies and Jesus comes in, releases them from their prisons and sets them abundantly free. This week I found myself in a sticky mess of unknown origin… situations happen, but why and how they trigger us is often a mystery... This week God took me into the mystery, of my own wounds... digging out insecurities that were well hidden under years of knowledge… Well protected by my adult capacity and attempt at adequacy. He took me back to when I was incredibly young... the house was full of the rage of a SOUL I LOVE deeply... Furniture and belongings were tossed and kicked and my little spirit within me went hiding for cover – for protection, knowing I could never stop this fury... I didn’t deserve it... and I cowered… Some moments from your past stick with you... This one did... It was replayed a few times in reality but hundreds of times in my mind… A spirit of trauma had landed, and I had failed to recognize it... It kept playing the repeat button whenever it wanted, then without telling me why- it would put me into emotional funk when I found myself in situations where I couldn’t control other peoples reactions to me.. Oh, I tried extremely hard... I tried to please everyone around me and for the most part I was good at it. I became the teacher’s pet in grade school, my father’s favorite, valedictorian in college and sought to do nothing- whether good or bad- that would promote me too high, in case I was seen by someone who didn’t like me. There was always a fear, fear of someone seeing through my feeble attempts and calling me pitiful, and feeling I was never enough... But Jesus... He was always there... His love would not stop loving on me… He would affirm my spirit and my actions and slowly, slowly I began to trust him, to believe him and to operate out of the identity He was defining me with… So if siblings rejected me, or friends walked away, or those I looked to for support , were absent or jealous, there was His still sweet small voice like a silver thread weaving it’s beauty into and around my heart pulling together the fabric of my identity into his glorious work of art…
If you resonate with any of this, there’s a purpose and a healing for you! Let’s be honest what feels safe and what is safe are two different things… I’m learning I’d rather be in the midst of danger or controversy than apart from His plan for my life… I don’t have to please everyone in order to feel safe… I can have disappointing reactions from others and still be joyful…It’s my inheritance from my Father... because in His world everything is OK. It is well with my soul and He delights in me deeply… I can give him the pain and the trauma, ask Him to tell me what lies I’ve been operating under and repent. But more importantly… I can begin- begin to live and function in the truth... that I am a divine delight, even when others don’t delight in me… or I disappoint them or am not in their good books …. I don’t have to be disappointed because HE delights in me!!!He delights in YOU!!! And if you can believe it…all your imperfections were nailed to a tree and its not what He sees... when He sees you…
Give Him the stress you feel from the pressure to perform, or be something... Let Him tell you who you are.. Explore with Him what brings you Joy.. just for YOU. You are allowed to explore what brings you delight, and listen to Him.. He has more to say about how He sees you.. Why He made you... be you. You do you really well when you’re not worried about what others think.. I also am realizing the difference between people pleasing and love.. For many years I'd go hesitantly along with peoples wishes and say I was loving , but I was just people pleasing.. The motive of one is fear, ( people pleasing is actually demonic and we do deliverance on perfectionism and people pleasing, unworthiness etc.) The motive of love of course is very different.. Sometimes it can get mixed up in our heads.. When we do something out of people pleasing , manipulating the outcome we are looking for, its control not love... People rarely ever know they are manipulating.. but the heart motive is often fear..
Also I'm learning emotional boundaries... " I'm not responsible for their reactions, feelings or disappointment" so I don't have to fix them... If someone close to me .." looses it" I can feel happy and secure, because it's not mine to fix" I can move on...I can heal and grow and release the toxic stuff that came at me over to God.. He always trades up.. Joy for mourning, Peace for rage, Comfort for pain and more.. specific to you.. Bring Him your vial of pain, pour it out at his feet and watch the intense beauty flow out of His presence to engulf your heart with awe and wonder... I promise you He'll never "loose it" He's full of self control and love and his anger is but for a moment (Psalm 30:5,6) .. but His favor.. won on the cross is for a lifetime.
A tear can be an unhealed wound, the depth of love, or a touch from the Holy Spirit and who are we to be able to know which when. This week has been one of self discovery for me. I often spend time helping others heal deep wounds from trauma, - recognizing the lies and Jesus comes in, releases them from their prisons and sets them abundantly free. This week I found myself in a sticky mess of unknown origin… situations happen, but why and how they trigger us is often a mystery... This week God took me into the mystery, of my own wounds... digging out insecurities that were well hidden under years of knowledge… Well protected by my adult capacity and attempt at adequacy. He took me back to when I was incredibly young... the house was full of the rage of a SOUL I LOVE deeply... Furniture and belongings were tossed and kicked and my little spirit within me went hiding for cover – for protection, knowing I could never stop this fury... I didn’t deserve it... and I cowered… Some moments from your past stick with you... This one did... It was replayed a few times in reality but hundreds of times in my mind… A spirit of trauma had landed, and I had failed to recognize it... It kept playing the repeat button whenever it wanted, then without telling me why- it would put me into emotional funk when I found myself in situations where I couldn’t control other peoples reactions to me.. Oh, I tried extremely hard... I tried to please everyone around me and for the most part I was good at it. I became the teacher’s pet in grade school, my father’s favorite, valedictorian in college and sought to do nothing- whether good or bad- that would promote me too high, in case I was seen by someone who didn’t like me. There was always a fear, fear of someone seeing through my feeble attempts and calling me pitiful, and feeling I was never enough... But Jesus... He was always there... His love would not stop loving on me… He would affirm my spirit and my actions and slowly, slowly I began to trust him, to believe him and to operate out of the identity He was defining me with… So if siblings rejected me, or friends walked away, or those I looked to for support , were absent or jealous, there was His still sweet small voice like a silver thread weaving it’s beauty into and around my heart pulling together the fabric of my identity into his glorious work of art…
If you resonate with any of this, there’s a purpose and a healing for you! Let’s be honest what feels safe and what is safe are two different things… I’m learning I’d rather be in the midst of danger or controversy than apart from His plan for my life… I don’t have to please everyone in order to feel safe… I can have disappointing reactions from others and still be joyful…It’s my inheritance from my Father... because in His world everything is OK. It is well with my soul and He delights in me deeply… I can give him the pain and the trauma, ask Him to tell me what lies I’ve been operating under and repent. But more importantly… I can begin- begin to live and function in the truth... that I am a divine delight, even when others don’t delight in me… or I disappoint them or am not in their good books …. I don’t have to be disappointed because HE delights in me!!!He delights in YOU!!! And if you can believe it…all your imperfections were nailed to a tree and its not what He sees... when He sees you…
Give Him the stress you feel from the pressure to perform, or be something... Let Him tell you who you are.. Explore with Him what brings you Joy.. just for YOU. You are allowed to explore what brings you delight, and listen to Him.. He has more to say about how He sees you.. Why He made you... be you. You do you really well when you’re not worried about what others think.. I also am realizing the difference between people pleasing and love.. For many years I'd go hesitantly along with peoples wishes and say I was loving , but I was just people pleasing.. The motive of one is fear, ( people pleasing is actually demonic and we do deliverance on perfectionism and people pleasing, unworthiness etc.) The motive of love of course is very different.. Sometimes it can get mixed up in our heads.. When we do something out of people pleasing , manipulating the outcome we are looking for, its control not love... People rarely ever know they are manipulating.. but the heart motive is often fear..
Also I'm learning emotional boundaries... " I'm not responsible for their reactions, feelings or disappointment" so I don't have to fix them... If someone close to me .." looses it" I can feel happy and secure, because it's not mine to fix" I can move on...I can heal and grow and release the toxic stuff that came at me over to God.. He always trades up.. Joy for mourning, Peace for rage, Comfort for pain and more.. specific to you.. Bring Him your vial of pain, pour it out at his feet and watch the intense beauty flow out of His presence to engulf your heart with awe and wonder... I promise you He'll never "loose it" He's full of self control and love and his anger is but for a moment (Psalm 30:5,6) .. but His favor.. won on the cross is for a lifetime.