Am I Homosexual?
We live in a culture that dictates many things. Enormous pressures abound to be or do or think certain ways in order to be politically correct, ethical or culturally appropriate. It is into this world wind of confusion, pressure and cultural explosion of emotion I want to share part of my story to bring about an understanding of how I think and my present ( through growing) understanding of how homosexuality relates to deliverance, spiritual atmospheres, etc.
I was born into a home with very strong high moral convictions, but it was in no way a perfect place. Generational sin patterns were present in the sexual realm. I was sexually mistreated by a grandparent, and another relative who had come into our home to stay for a few years. My sisters were both sexually abused or raped in our home by foster brothers, or others. I was aware of immediate relatives who walked at times a homosexual lifestyle and though little was shared with our parents because of fear ,shame, or simple lack of knowledge, there was all the makings of a mess.
My little brain did not live there though. Somehow the part of me that loved and served Jesus managed to walk in an authentic pursuit of purity and I felt pure for most of my growing up years. My name, Crystal came from the Greek word for "pure" and so the calling to purity was high on my agenda. It was in fact part of my identity and definition. Somehow between that and because I do not have touch as one of my love languages I managed to feel unscathed until I was 16 when I abused again, this time by a grandfather.
Then I was mad, felt robbed and betrayed. I worked through forgiveness as best as I currently knew how and carried on. Carry forward a few years into Bible school and I grew very close to one particular girlfriend. I am a person who makes very deep and loyal friendships. In this case it was propabably unhealthily co-dependant as well but we loved each other dearly. In my mind this was a John and Jesus kind of friendship, a David and Jonathan kind of friendship... My friend was a bit of a tomboy, didn't care for jewelry or lace or skirts, and I was the opposite.
Being room mates we could talk for hours on the bed on a Sunday afternoon and we were so comfortable it was just natural to fall asleep right then and there side by side. We were still living like little girls in many ways. We would hold hands on walks and occasionally stroke each others face in a conversation, not sexually but much like a mother with a child.
Into this friendship came accusations of being homosexual. Although we never even changed in the same room, since we both had a deep sense of modesty, our unique friendship came into scrutiny by the dean. Perhaps I didn't have the wisdom to see the grace in which I was being corrected, perhaps I did not have wisdom, but I was wounded. It wasn't much later that my mother also raised concerns and started asking questions as to whether I was homosexual. In that kind of setting my mind gets going. I was beginning to understand the concept of taking thoughts captive. I was after all mentoring others, leading worship most weeks in Bible school chapel and in church, and leading a small group.
In our Bible school we were encouraged to find a person to mentor disciple us each year. In my second year I had 3 or 4 young ladies ask me to mentor them. I was delighted. I clearly remember the day one of these younger friends shared with me the sexual thoughts she had been having towards other women. At this point, I could relate. I clearly believe that every thought or temptation is not a sin. Entertaining a thought and carrying it further is. So I had something to teach on this. I taught the following. Just because you have a temptation towards a person of the same sex does not mean you are a homosexual. You CAN take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.2 Cor. 10:4-6 In our culture the lie is that if you have sexual thoughts towards a certain sex you were born that way and you can simply choose another sexual orientation or identity and you are free to pursue it until you find satisfaction.
The truth is anyone can have a sexual thought or action towards any gender without their identity changing. The Bible says that all have sinned( Romans 3:23). Lust of any type is sin (1 John 2:16). Period. I might add that gossip, slander, covetousness and greed and being "religious" like the pharisees( always looking for faults in others) are also on the list. All have sinned.... But all have access to the righteousness of Christ.
I was born into a home with very strong high moral convictions, but it was in no way a perfect place. Generational sin patterns were present in the sexual realm. I was sexually mistreated by a grandparent, and another relative who had come into our home to stay for a few years. My sisters were both sexually abused or raped in our home by foster brothers, or others. I was aware of immediate relatives who walked at times a homosexual lifestyle and though little was shared with our parents because of fear ,shame, or simple lack of knowledge, there was all the makings of a mess.
My little brain did not live there though. Somehow the part of me that loved and served Jesus managed to walk in an authentic pursuit of purity and I felt pure for most of my growing up years. My name, Crystal came from the Greek word for "pure" and so the calling to purity was high on my agenda. It was in fact part of my identity and definition. Somehow between that and because I do not have touch as one of my love languages I managed to feel unscathed until I was 16 when I abused again, this time by a grandfather.
Then I was mad, felt robbed and betrayed. I worked through forgiveness as best as I currently knew how and carried on. Carry forward a few years into Bible school and I grew very close to one particular girlfriend. I am a person who makes very deep and loyal friendships. In this case it was propabably unhealthily co-dependant as well but we loved each other dearly. In my mind this was a John and Jesus kind of friendship, a David and Jonathan kind of friendship... My friend was a bit of a tomboy, didn't care for jewelry or lace or skirts, and I was the opposite.
Being room mates we could talk for hours on the bed on a Sunday afternoon and we were so comfortable it was just natural to fall asleep right then and there side by side. We were still living like little girls in many ways. We would hold hands on walks and occasionally stroke each others face in a conversation, not sexually but much like a mother with a child.
Into this friendship came accusations of being homosexual. Although we never even changed in the same room, since we both had a deep sense of modesty, our unique friendship came into scrutiny by the dean. Perhaps I didn't have the wisdom to see the grace in which I was being corrected, perhaps I did not have wisdom, but I was wounded. It wasn't much later that my mother also raised concerns and started asking questions as to whether I was homosexual. In that kind of setting my mind gets going. I was beginning to understand the concept of taking thoughts captive. I was after all mentoring others, leading worship most weeks in Bible school chapel and in church, and leading a small group.
In our Bible school we were encouraged to find a person to mentor disciple us each year. In my second year I had 3 or 4 young ladies ask me to mentor them. I was delighted. I clearly remember the day one of these younger friends shared with me the sexual thoughts she had been having towards other women. At this point, I could relate. I clearly believe that every thought or temptation is not a sin. Entertaining a thought and carrying it further is. So I had something to teach on this. I taught the following. Just because you have a temptation towards a person of the same sex does not mean you are a homosexual. You CAN take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.2 Cor. 10:4-6 In our culture the lie is that if you have sexual thoughts towards a certain sex you were born that way and you can simply choose another sexual orientation or identity and you are free to pursue it until you find satisfaction.
The truth is anyone can have a sexual thought or action towards any gender without their identity changing. The Bible says that all have sinned( Romans 3:23). Lust of any type is sin (1 John 2:16). Period. I might add that gossip, slander, covetousness and greed and being "religious" like the pharisees( always looking for faults in others) are also on the list. All have sinned.... But all have access to the righteousness of Christ.
21 But now the righteousness of God apart from the law is revealed, being witnessed by the Law and the Prophets, 22 even the righteousness of God, through faith in Jesus Christ, to all and on all who believe. For there is no difference; 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, 25 whom God set forth as a propitiation by His blood, through faith, to demonstrate His righteousness, because in His forbearance God had passed over the sins that were previously committed, 26 to demonstrate at the present time His righteousness, that He might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus.
27 Where is boasting then? It is excluded. By what law? Of works? No, but by the law of faith. 28 Therefore we conclude that a man is justified by faith apart from the deeds of the law. Romans 3:21-27 NKJV
What does all that mean. You are righteous if you believe that Christ died to be your righteousness and you receive His gift of salvation. Our works don't make us righteous. Christ does. There is no longer room for the enemy to condemn us based on our works.
This seems like a scary concept right? It seems to give murderers the right to murder, molesters the right to molest etc. and still be called righteous? This is where Scripture again carries the answer. Romans later says ( 6:1) "shall we continue in sin that grace may abound?" Certainly Not! ( Romans 6:2 NKJV)
Continuing my story, my special friendship was able to be maintained and kept pure and I developed a deep love for a young man who was on campus and we married, one month after graduation from Bible School.
More recently in the last two years I have been actively doing healing and deliverance,and I needed for sure my own deliverance! There were generational roots of a spirit of perversity in my family, soul ties and forgiveness that needed to happen. I needed to finish healing in my understanding of God as protector and father and a safe, pure place. There were father wounds, that kept me from feeling safe. I then began to deliver others. I have not had a lot of experience with those struggling with homosexuality in deliverance ministry. I do know that they would find a compassionate response from me. I was taught in reading on the subject by someone who'd been living as a homosexual who had gone through deliverance that there was no such thing as a homosexual spirit. They had simply been delivered of various other related spirits such as lust etc. No doubt what you feed grows, whether good or bad, so at the time I was content to believe this, that a spirit of lust or perversion has simply been fed a lot and developed strength.
One of the ways I operate in the gift of discernment of spirits is to simply get words pop into my head of the name of the spirit and then I call it out, see it manifest and leave. So I was merrily going about ministry in my normal way one day when Holy Spirit dropped in my head the name" spirit of sodomy". This surprised me because I had been taught there were no homosexual spirits but in this case the person had been preyed upon and abused by another ( which seems to be how this spirit takes root. ) I called it out. It DID manifest, and confirm its presence and then it was gone. The individual felt such release and cleansing. Tears streamed down their face as an enormous burden had been lifted by the cleansing love of Christ. Purity flowed into the wound and established itself.
All this to say I do believe in some cases there is a sodomite spirit operating and needing to be cleansed, especially in the case of abuse by someone of the same sex. There is in many cases a spirit of confusion operating to distort the individual's identity. Confusion spirits operate in many areas but this area of gender identity is one of the most prevalent. To me as I discern it it feels like a foggy cloud coming over my head while pressure is being applied from the sides like a thick vise on my head. The crazy thing about those walking in any kind of demonic deception is that is feels so right at the time. The logic in their brain is being worked and crafted carefully. It makes perfect sense at the time. Much of the modern world ( even those who are straight) are walking in agreement with this spirit of confusion about identity and do not perceive it.
I might add too that spirits create atmospheres. If you are walking into an atmosphere dominated by a spirit of lust, sodomy, pride or other, chances are you will have feelings, beliefs or temptations cross you mind. They are not yours! They are dominating that air space and as believers we can take authority over our regions and spaces because we are seated with Christ far above every principality and authority. ( Ephesians 1:21) You can discard thoughts and take them captive through the power of Jesus.
I'm not going to pretend to be able to answer every question that is out there on this topic with my limited experience in this limited blog entry, but I will give a sample of a simple prayer for those who want to walk in greater purity so they can be free from the slavery of the enemy. Feel free to pray only what you feel applies to your situation as the Holy Spirit leads. I am not into formulas.
Father God would You take all of me and transform me into what You designed me to be. Show me who You designed me to be and how much you love me. Thank You for dying for my sins and that your blood cleanses me from all unrighteousness 1 John 1:19. Forgive me for the times I have walked in pride and confusion, believing I knew more about my design and identity than You, my Creator did. Help me to stop fueling the things in my life which give the enemy a foothold. I pray you would come break through Holy Spirit and begin to breakdown every strong hold in my mind, will and emotions that exalts itself against the knowledge of God. I ask you would cleanse my thought life and align me with the purity of Christ. Thank you that You are faithful to give me an escape from every temptation (1 Corinthians 10:13.) Forgive me for walking in rebellion to your word and draw me into the intimacy with YOU that really satisfies the design and longings of my heart. I give you back my sexuality. I repent for any ways I have cooperated with any unclean or demonics spirits. No demonic spirits are allowed to manifest here in my life, in Jesus Name. Spirits of perversity, confusion, self-hatred,suicide, depression, lust , jealousy, sodomy and pride, spirits of rape, abuse, and violence I bind you and break your power over my life. I command you to go now, all of you in the name of Jesus Christ my saviour who died so I can be righteous. I choose the mind of Christ. You are not welcome here anymore. I bless my body to operate as God designed it. I bless my body and say to myself, you were designed with a remarkable purpose by God. You were thought of before you came to earth and sent here with an special invitation from God to intimately know His heart and carry His love into the earth .You were designed uniquely with gifts, talents, Godly passions and spiritual gifts to glorify God. I choose to love and discover the full potential of who God made me to be. I choose to walk as a new creation in Christ Jesus for His glory and pleasure finding my delight in Him. I choose to remove all labels from my body soul and spirit that have marked me as anything that God did not design me to be. I remove the label(s) of_______________ that I have walked in or that were placed on me by others and cleanse myself of them by the blood of Jesus. I repent for any way that I have chosen to agree with or walk out these labels consciously or unconsciously. I choose to believe that by God's grace I am righteous, holy, pure and clean, undefiled and innocent, because of Christ's righteousness and His cleansing blood. I choose purity. I choose Joy. I choose Life. I choose health. I choose Christ in me the hope of glory, my true identity as a child of the most high God.
I encourage you if you said this prayer, find a friend who you can trust to help you walk in purity and share with them. Ask for accountability, and prayer. If you are living in a relationship you know is unhealthy, draw boundaries and move out! Be brave and vulnerable to trusted friends. This is one of your powerful spiritual weapons. Don't be afraid if you mess up to go back to God for cleansing. He is loving towards you. He wants the best for you. His Father heart towards you is better than you can imagine, more loving and gentle than you've ever experienced in an earthly Father. He cares deeply for your soul and longs to bring all of us near to Him no matter what we have suffered of done. You are loved! This is a journey you are on. Keep walking the journey knowing He is your righteousness.
Bless you my friends to grow in the knowledge of His love over you as his child, cleansed and purified and growing more and more into His likeness.
This seems like a scary concept right? It seems to give murderers the right to murder, molesters the right to molest etc. and still be called righteous? This is where Scripture again carries the answer. Romans later says ( 6:1) "shall we continue in sin that grace may abound?" Certainly Not! ( Romans 6:2 NKJV)
Continuing my story, my special friendship was able to be maintained and kept pure and I developed a deep love for a young man who was on campus and we married, one month after graduation from Bible School.
More recently in the last two years I have been actively doing healing and deliverance,and I needed for sure my own deliverance! There were generational roots of a spirit of perversity in my family, soul ties and forgiveness that needed to happen. I needed to finish healing in my understanding of God as protector and father and a safe, pure place. There were father wounds, that kept me from feeling safe. I then began to deliver others. I have not had a lot of experience with those struggling with homosexuality in deliverance ministry. I do know that they would find a compassionate response from me. I was taught in reading on the subject by someone who'd been living as a homosexual who had gone through deliverance that there was no such thing as a homosexual spirit. They had simply been delivered of various other related spirits such as lust etc. No doubt what you feed grows, whether good or bad, so at the time I was content to believe this, that a spirit of lust or perversion has simply been fed a lot and developed strength.
One of the ways I operate in the gift of discernment of spirits is to simply get words pop into my head of the name of the spirit and then I call it out, see it manifest and leave. So I was merrily going about ministry in my normal way one day when Holy Spirit dropped in my head the name" spirit of sodomy". This surprised me because I had been taught there were no homosexual spirits but in this case the person had been preyed upon and abused by another ( which seems to be how this spirit takes root. ) I called it out. It DID manifest, and confirm its presence and then it was gone. The individual felt such release and cleansing. Tears streamed down their face as an enormous burden had been lifted by the cleansing love of Christ. Purity flowed into the wound and established itself.
All this to say I do believe in some cases there is a sodomite spirit operating and needing to be cleansed, especially in the case of abuse by someone of the same sex. There is in many cases a spirit of confusion operating to distort the individual's identity. Confusion spirits operate in many areas but this area of gender identity is one of the most prevalent. To me as I discern it it feels like a foggy cloud coming over my head while pressure is being applied from the sides like a thick vise on my head. The crazy thing about those walking in any kind of demonic deception is that is feels so right at the time. The logic in their brain is being worked and crafted carefully. It makes perfect sense at the time. Much of the modern world ( even those who are straight) are walking in agreement with this spirit of confusion about identity and do not perceive it.
I might add too that spirits create atmospheres. If you are walking into an atmosphere dominated by a spirit of lust, sodomy, pride or other, chances are you will have feelings, beliefs or temptations cross you mind. They are not yours! They are dominating that air space and as believers we can take authority over our regions and spaces because we are seated with Christ far above every principality and authority. ( Ephesians 1:21) You can discard thoughts and take them captive through the power of Jesus.
I'm not going to pretend to be able to answer every question that is out there on this topic with my limited experience in this limited blog entry, but I will give a sample of a simple prayer for those who want to walk in greater purity so they can be free from the slavery of the enemy. Feel free to pray only what you feel applies to your situation as the Holy Spirit leads. I am not into formulas.
Father God would You take all of me and transform me into what You designed me to be. Show me who You designed me to be and how much you love me. Thank You for dying for my sins and that your blood cleanses me from all unrighteousness 1 John 1:19. Forgive me for the times I have walked in pride and confusion, believing I knew more about my design and identity than You, my Creator did. Help me to stop fueling the things in my life which give the enemy a foothold. I pray you would come break through Holy Spirit and begin to breakdown every strong hold in my mind, will and emotions that exalts itself against the knowledge of God. I ask you would cleanse my thought life and align me with the purity of Christ. Thank you that You are faithful to give me an escape from every temptation (1 Corinthians 10:13.) Forgive me for walking in rebellion to your word and draw me into the intimacy with YOU that really satisfies the design and longings of my heart. I give you back my sexuality. I repent for any ways I have cooperated with any unclean or demonics spirits. No demonic spirits are allowed to manifest here in my life, in Jesus Name. Spirits of perversity, confusion, self-hatred,suicide, depression, lust , jealousy, sodomy and pride, spirits of rape, abuse, and violence I bind you and break your power over my life. I command you to go now, all of you in the name of Jesus Christ my saviour who died so I can be righteous. I choose the mind of Christ. You are not welcome here anymore. I bless my body to operate as God designed it. I bless my body and say to myself, you were designed with a remarkable purpose by God. You were thought of before you came to earth and sent here with an special invitation from God to intimately know His heart and carry His love into the earth .You were designed uniquely with gifts, talents, Godly passions and spiritual gifts to glorify God. I choose to love and discover the full potential of who God made me to be. I choose to walk as a new creation in Christ Jesus for His glory and pleasure finding my delight in Him. I choose to remove all labels from my body soul and spirit that have marked me as anything that God did not design me to be. I remove the label(s) of_______________ that I have walked in or that were placed on me by others and cleanse myself of them by the blood of Jesus. I repent for any way that I have chosen to agree with or walk out these labels consciously or unconsciously. I choose to believe that by God's grace I am righteous, holy, pure and clean, undefiled and innocent, because of Christ's righteousness and His cleansing blood. I choose purity. I choose Joy. I choose Life. I choose health. I choose Christ in me the hope of glory, my true identity as a child of the most high God.
I encourage you if you said this prayer, find a friend who you can trust to help you walk in purity and share with them. Ask for accountability, and prayer. If you are living in a relationship you know is unhealthy, draw boundaries and move out! Be brave and vulnerable to trusted friends. This is one of your powerful spiritual weapons. Don't be afraid if you mess up to go back to God for cleansing. He is loving towards you. He wants the best for you. His Father heart towards you is better than you can imagine, more loving and gentle than you've ever experienced in an earthly Father. He cares deeply for your soul and longs to bring all of us near to Him no matter what we have suffered of done. You are loved! This is a journey you are on. Keep walking the journey knowing He is your righteousness.
Bless you my friends to grow in the knowledge of His love over you as his child, cleansed and purified and growing more and more into His likeness.
NKJV Scripture taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
